How to make eating gluten-free a nightmare: a guide for restaurants

Gluten-free tips

by The Happy Coeliac | on March 3rd, 2013 | 9 comments

1. Don’t provide any useful information on your website, like a menu. Definitely don’t provide any allergy information. Force the customer to contact you. Extra points for having no e-mail address listed or a flash website that means you can’t copy and paste the e-mail address.

2. There are two approaches to crafting the most horrific menu. Firstly the “no information” approach: give no indication that you cater for allergies, and train your waiters not to recognise the word “allergy” or understand the concept of “wheat”. To really complete the charade, have managers or even the chef claim not to know whether something is gluten-free. The ingredients of your dishes should be as mysterious as possible.

The second approach is to provide information on a number of dietary choices and preferences, but stubbornly leave off gluten. You want to cater for vegetarians, vegans, kosher, halal, even those who want to know how spicy each meal is. Seriously, you don’t want your customers ordering a slightly-too-hot curry! Their mouths might tingle for a few seconds! But remember, gluten-free is just a passing fad, and it’s not important in any way.

3. Put gluten in normally safe dishes like risotto or baked potatoes, just to shake things up a bit. This will catch out those gluten-free eaters who are too shy to ask in depth about your ingredients or cross-contamination measures. You can have a lot of fun with this – think breadsticks stuck into risotto, deep fried thingys sprinkled on sushi, the more outlandish the better. Maybe someday someone with get away with garnishing a meal with just a slice of bread on top, for the ultimate in F- YOU! cuisine.

4. Have your staff perfect the art of poor communication. Bonus points for failing to relay the message at all to the kitchen, that requires commitment. Chefs don’t really like dealing with fussy people anyway, so it’s best not to anger them.

5. Never ever take someone with coeliac disease seriously. Once they’ve explained that even a small amount of gluten can leave them ill for days, even weeks, be sure to ignore that while you take the Yorkshire pudding off their plate like it’s no big deal, or pick the croutons out of that salad. And definitely bring them the complimentary paid-for starter of bread and olives.

6. Aim to say ‘yes’ as much as possible. Example: “is this dish gluten-free?” “Yes”. Don’t feel like you have to check. A happy customer is one who thinks they can choose from the entire menu. Luckily, unlike a reaction from a peanut allergy, you’ll never have to call an ambulance for a coeliac. Win-win!

In case anyone is still in any doubt, this was written with my tongue firmly in my cheek, and I DO NOT CONDONE any of these actions. Just covering my ass here!

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The Happy Coeliac

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Comments (9)

Claire Tulloch (Positively Coeliac) Sunday - 03 / 03 / 2013 Reply

I've got another! Train your staff to step back in horror at the mention of the word 'disease'. This actually happened to me in a bar/restaurant in Manchester. It was so ridiculous that it was funny! The waitress asked me if I was contagious - from about four feet away from our table, of course.
- The Happy Coeliac Sunday - 03 / 03 / 2013 Reply
  
  Hahaha brilliant! That hasn't happened to me... (yet), but I can believe it!
Kevin Gollop Sunday - 03 / 03 / 2013 Reply

Ha ha! I went to a Beefeater last night and order plain steak with plain chips, checked everything in the allergy menu and discussed all usual things with staff. Waiter noted gluten free when he took our order so "they would take extra care". When our meals arrived both coeliacs had side salads with "deep fried thingys sprinkled on", which turned out were tiny battered bits of onion - not gluten free! Sigh
- Prakash Friday - 15 / 03 / 2013 Reply
  
  Damn that's exactly what happen to us when we were at a Beefeater for a meeting about the next Gluten Free World day with Glutafin. Our food came with the deep fried oinons which were coated in flour. I was very ill even after they replaced the salad...I won't be eating there again.
  - The Happy Coeliac Friday - 15 / 03 / 2013 Reply
    
    Oh no, that's awful! Did you complain to them? We can't let them get away with poisoning us!
Rob Sunday - 03 / 03 / 2013 Reply

Hi.. I'd just like to say that as a Head Chef I make it my business to make my staff aware of allergies. We cater for gluten free customers and even have a seperate menu!! as do we for dairy free.. Regards Rob
- The Happy Coeliac Sunday - 03 / 03 / 2013 Reply
  
  Hi Rob, thanks for stopping by - and thank you for all the work you do to make our experience less nightmarish! Needless to say, you're one of the good guys! :)
Debby Billitteri Monday - 04 / 03 / 2013 Reply

Also lets mention the nut allergies! No worries that a trip to the hospital is immanent! My 22 year old went out of state for a grad school interview. Dinner at the restaurant that evening had an appitizer on the table and they were "roasted peppers" One bite, and 8 hours in the hospital, with walnut oil!!! I do have to say however being in hospitality ALL the chef's I work with at hotels go above and beyond to accomodate ALL allergies. I have not run into any who take lightly a food allergies or celiac disease. (My son is cursed with both!)
- The Happy Coeliac Monday - 04 / 03 / 2013 Reply
  
  I can't imagine how scary it must be to have nut allergies! Agreed, there are some chefs who are amazing, and good catering for allergies is becoming "the norm"... slowly but surely!